Saturday, October 31, 2009

I am sitting alone, listening to one of those songs that makes you feel cold inside, at one of those coffee shops that tries to make you feel warm inside wondering when I am going to feel good about everything, and if I even want to feel good about anything.

I am sitting on a stool that is a perfect height and I am wearing a sweater that makes me feel perfectly toasty with its over the top fur collar and sparkly clasp. It is halloween. Did I say I was alone? I feel it deep down, a loneliness that reaches past my sweet sweater, through my bra-less chest and inside every irregular heartbeat.

I feel a conscious change, an indescribable shift in most parts of me. It is all rushing by me as I sit and think and watch and feel sorry for myself. I am a laughing cynic, an alert space cadet, and a starving glutton who can't figure out what to hate, what to appreciate, and what to fill up with.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

from that astral plane.


"every night i tell myself that i am the cosmos"

i feel a little bit lost these days. not sure what to do with my time, not sure what my "homework" should be anymore. I have a goal in mind, but it almost seems unreachable. It was easier then. Then, when I didn't know what I wanted. It was easier to be told what my plans could be for the night. To express interest in what I wanted and to have someone else make a move, to have someone else pull the strings and to have them tell me it would be a good time.

Because then I could offer myself in a different way. I could give advice, I could help him not feel so lost, and in the process, not feel so lost myself. I never thought of myself as a giver, but I turned into one for a short time. A bitchy, selfish, unrelenting giver who took just as much. But I realize now that I took it all for granted. Of course its a learning experience. Of course I don't regret it all in the end, but I do feel sad that its gone for good.

But I'm managing, don't get me wrong. It feels better when I've earned it myself; whatever it is that I earn daily. I just can't help but feel, uh, reminiscent? Is that the word? Lonely? Sure. But its not just loneliness, its progress. It's learning more about myself, recognizing the shitty ways I dealt with feeling insecure and inadequate. I'm beginning to feel less inadequate, but now who do I share it with? Who do I commiserate with? I work best with a give and take, and I have people to give to, and people to take from, but it feels better when one can offer both. I miss it, and I want it back, but its not my place to ask anymore.

So I'll wait. I'll take my photos looking Nathan of Wavves in the eye, hoping I could give something that might make his show seem more meaningful. I'll write those emails, hawking my "talents" to the magazines I admire, and I'll dream the dreams I have since 4th grade with my Vogue-plastered school binders. But I hope that you'll feel the same way, that its not worth giving up on.

I want to undo the damage.
I'll take it easy. And be patient.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

now i understand how, even the things you want to do can become a pain.

[voila, my coffee table/to do-or-read-or-write list]

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

its strange when you begin to realize that you can't decipher what is good and bad for you. vices that make you say too much, smoke that makes your teeth hurt, and friends that fail to have your best interests in mind. they're so wonderfully predictable; at least you sort of know what you're going get.

what about the things that aren't so predictable. the new people who you're scared to let in, and the things that continue to peak your interest til you can't quite decide whether to let go or hang on. some connections are intangible, some literally are missing parts of the senses. is it wrong to let them slip away on account of miscommunication? because though intangible, they are the most interesting, the things to live by and to live for. with these people it becomes clear that the guard you built up lacks the safety it used to boast.

you just keep getting closer, and i don't know if it's good or bad for me.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

is "blissfully unaware" the right way to describe it?
does that make sense to you?
now i know that for me that being busy equals avoiding things.
work all day, flip from smart to big mouth to slacker,
come home, play dress-up, paint my lips
and leave again.

i act my age but when do I stop?
when do I tire, or take a step up?
or wash my dishes and shine my shoes?
theres not enough thinking time.
not enough "15 step" and (nice dream) and electioneering
instead its small talk over champagne and hugs and cheek kisses

which is all okay,
i just need my token mellow friday night and saturday day to catch up on it all.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

yep, that looks about right.

its weird that looking back at my listening habits over the past year can actually create a timeline of moments, a literal soundtrack to those big and small moments that were so impactful...

Radiohead- it was my saving grace, my its okay to feel, my secretly cry at my desk.
"(Nice Dream)" - The Bends

Red Hot Chili Peppers- this was and is my most recent, 2nd of 2 musical obsessions. the only band i let into my life and my heart for a solid month, and i have yet to wake up one morning since without one of their songs in my head. i miss them already.
"Suck My Kiss" - Blood Sugar Sex Magik

Bon Iver- i need to be haunted, for its okay to be in this introspective mood. i might tap my foot or tear up, but its always cold. and nice.
"Re:Stacks" - For Emma, Forever Ago

Mystery Jets - what is a girl to do when she spends the evening, night and morning with these guys. call it love or blame it on the blow, my life was changed that night.
"Flakes" - Twenty One

Little Joy [replacing with Human Highway] - it may seem mellow to most, but this was my scream at the top of my lungs, let it all out exiting the 101 into downtown soundtrack.
"The Sound" - Moody Motorcycle

Broken Social Scene- came to me when i was most broken. swimmers and lovers spit, i am so happy i found this band.
"Lover's Spit" - You Forgot It In People

Royksopp- royksopp forever was my epic filler.
"Royskopp Forever" - Junior

Metric - see BSS, but now I got to get angry.
"Gold, Guns, Girls" - Fantasies

Miike Snow - I came back to happy. To Black & Blue and Silvia, and epic car rides and it was all on my own!
"Black & Blue" - Miike Snow

Justice - sure fire toe-tap at work, even years later.

D.R.I. [replacing with Kings of Leon] - well, really just one song - Use Somebody. That song, remixed, or not, is fantastic.
"Use Somebody" - Only By the Night

Deerhunter- a phase. [replacing with Waaves/Vetiver] - waaves vetiver, i bought these albums on the same day, and they represent the calm and anger i feel pretty much everyday. the angst and what-the-fuck and ahhh-why-me of "So Bored", plus the thoughtful contentness of "Everyday", i listened to these albums as an activity, not as a soundtrack to one. Just got confirmed to photograph wavves next weekend, can't wait to see what all of the live-show-hype is about.

Amy Winehouse- anytime.
"You Know I'm No Good" - Back to Black

Heartless Bastards- if i keep smoking, or rather, when i get older i'd like to have the rasp, the attitude, and the wisdom of this voice. its grit and grime and utter confidence is just rock and roll and shes just got me wrapped around her finger.
"Sway" - The Mountain

The Raveonettes- eternal fan, Bang! was on repeat for a good solid week, while love in a trashcan, lust, aly walk with me, my boyfriend's back, and twilight are general staples.
"Bang!" - In and Out of Control

okay i am officially bored of this, not going to read over.