Tuesday, October 20, 2009
"every night i tell myself that i am the cosmos"
i feel a little bit lost these days. not sure what to do with my time, not sure what my "homework" should be anymore. I have a goal in mind, but it almost seems unreachable. It was easier then. Then, when I didn't know what I wanted. It was easier to be told what my plans could be for the night. To express interest in what I wanted and to have someone else make a move, to have someone else pull the strings and to have them tell me it would be a good time.
Because then I could offer myself in a different way. I could give advice, I could help him not feel so lost, and in the process, not feel so lost myself. I never thought of myself as a giver, but I turned into one for a short time. A bitchy, selfish, unrelenting giver who took just as much. But I realize now that I took it all for granted. Of course its a learning experience. Of course I don't regret it all in the end, but I do feel sad that its gone for good.
But I'm managing, don't get me wrong. It feels better when I've earned it myself; whatever it is that I earn daily. I just can't help but feel, uh, reminiscent? Is that the word? Lonely? Sure. But its not just loneliness, its progress. It's learning more about myself, recognizing the shitty ways I dealt with feeling insecure and inadequate. I'm beginning to feel less inadequate, but now who do I share it with? Who do I commiserate with? I work best with a give and take, and I have people to give to, and people to take from, but it feels better when one can offer both. I miss it, and I want it back, but its not my place to ask anymore.
So I'll wait. I'll take my photos looking Nathan of Wavves in the eye, hoping I could give something that might make his show seem more meaningful. I'll write those emails, hawking my "talents" to the magazines I admire, and I'll dream the dreams I have since 4th grade with my Vogue-plastered school binders. But I hope that you'll feel the same way, that its not worth giving up on.
I want to undo the damage.
I'll take it easy. And be patient.
by s at 11:37 PM