Monday, April 6, 2009

i think you're crazy, maybe.

I've mentioned this whole, "fuck-it-all" attitude I've been attempting to adopt as of 2009. I realize more and more, it's truly the only way to go. In person, on line, at work, its all you can really do to connect with anyone. Because if they don't take you as you are, then they aren't worth taking on. Although I consider my people-standards to be high, and rarely meet people who I want to pursue any kind of friendship with, keeping with this 'tude has proven to pretty much get me where I want to be - honest-ly, with people.

Last night, giddy, in-like, and slightly in-toxicated, I started out more fuck-it-all, and ended up more fuck-it-up. Not that there was much to fuck up, I still reverted to games and thinking way too much. It just does not work and for me, it held me back.

And puhlease, I'm not saying I've got it all figured out. This night made me feel fucking insecure, unsure, and all around contemplative, and I don't work well under these conditions. Visions of ex-boyfriends, of old friends I never see anymore, and of a challenging Swede, this night was like a mind-fuck of past, present, and future; but I actually liked it.

I just wonder where you go from there. Grappling with exes who are quite literally moving out of your life, and friends who you hope will move closer into your life, is it better to be honest with each group? To move these things forward and backward, in and out of your life? To really go for it disregarding pride and games and being "cool"? And in relation to that, is it socially odd to seek out pointless new acquaintances?

too many questions as usual, and very few answers.

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