since i spent the time to compose this

marilyn manson spends a whole book describing his offbeat lifestyle, his journey from awkward child to pseudo rockstar complete with drug binges, strange sexual acts and a dwindling sense of morality. but rather than being a self indulgent tale, it really fucking hits home with me. i left you a message detailing this, but want to send you some quotes.

in a strange way i identify with him, coming from a home where weird is not always good, escaping to a new place that allows the weirdness to shine, and then grappling with it all trying to define yourself. though he was already highly defined in his own mind. he examined himself and the world and needed to talk about it just like i constantly need to talk about things to validate my ideas. and he straight up said that at one point " i woke up at seven o clock this morning and i was trying to find someone to express my ideas to but i couldnt. i was walking around like a fucking madman"

he also talks about satanism, a concept that sounds frightening to me, but he writes "what nearly everyone in my life had misunderstood about satanism is that it is not about ritual sacrifices, digging up graves and worshipping the devil. the devil doesnt exist. satanism is about worshipping yourself, because you are responsible for your own good and evil. christianity's war against the devil has always been a fight against man's most natural instincts - for sex, for violence, for self gratification - and a denial of man's membership in the animal kingdom. the idea of heaven is just christianity's way of creating a hell on earth."

not that im going to start believing in satanism, but that put it so simply. its not a crime to indulge our own animal instincts, and shouldn't feel bad about doing what we need to do to feel happy.

he finishes the book with a parallel between his personal struggle to finish an album that just wasn't getting done, due to fucked up relationships with his band mates, drugs, and misunderstandings among the sea of self destruction. he says "when i first conceived of Antichrist Superstar (his album) I set out to create an apocalypse. But I didnt realize it was going to be a personal one. as a child I had been a weakling, a worm, a follower, a small shadow trying to find a place in an infinite world of light. in the end, in order to find that place, I had to sacrifice my humanity - if you could even call such an insecure, guilt-ridden existence humanity. i had to shed my skin, purge my emotions and experience every extreme: i had to keep throwing myself onto the swords until I didnt feel a thing."


and a final quote. in the vein of one controlling his own destiny he wrote " i believe in dreams, i believe that every night on the planet everything that is, was and can be is dreamt. i believe that what happens in dreams is no different and no less important than what happens int he waking world. i believe that dreams are the closest equivalent presentday mankind has to time travel. i believe you can visit your past, present and future in dreams. i believe i've dreamt half of my life that hasn't happened yet. i dont believe in chance, accidents, or coincidences. i believe in the Delusional Self, which is to say that I believe tha thte things I talk and think about change the world around me and result in events that appear to be coincidental. "

i dont know. this book has debilitated me.