tonight was amazing, perhaps that was supposed to foreshadow a downfall. and maybe i shouldn't call it a downfall. sometimes the trivial issues I have, the things I "can't do", like hugging and touching and getting close to someone wash away when you realize that its all you really have to offer anyone in the long run. Some are better at giving advice, or at inspiring you, but in the end its the real that counts.
sometimes it feels like its too much to handle and then you hear about someone's hurt and someone's loss and someone who needs a touch more than you need it or maybe just a little bit more than you think you need it. the hugs , and the fear of touching just, washes away because you need a fucking tear to fall from your eye. And sometimes it just needs to be you who does it, and you have to pretend that you would do it without the booze and without the coke. You just have to do it. And you have to petend that you know what that person is feeling but you don't know at all. But you want to think that you know or that you can relate to even a quarter of what that person is feeling. And then you hug them, and you feel that real person and their real tears and then it becomes okay, and I want to be okay with that NOT when I'm drunk, I want to be more in touch on a regular basis.
I want to cut past the bullshit of my friendships because they're pretty fucking rad, and why do I talk about them like they're shit when they're all I fucking have and I'm so fucking lucky to have them.