the lost month

I don't know the difference with this one. He's my friend but I can't keep my hands to myself when I'm with him. He's my friend but he's tasted my lips and touched almost every part of me. He's my friend and I know his smell. He's my friend who I think about more than some.

Im confusing his sweet sweet attention with something else, some kind of attraction, and its consuming my nights and ruining my body. Because that's something I would do, fall for an unavailable mess. 

But oh how nice it is to touch.
(up on the counter, under the lunch table, behind the bar)
(waking up side by side, his hand on my ass, wine spilled around us)

what a wonderful mess we've made of June.

cryinginyourcar

I'm really unhappy about how I've chosen to handle everything in the past few days. As if I needed to wonder when or where the emo would hit or if it even would. Because of course, right then and there it comes like a fucking heavy flow, a period-in-theory rife with teary eyes and tummy trembling anxiety instead of blood.
I'm upset and I know why but it's like I'm in this hole and I can't see the light. My brain is telling me fuck them! Keep damaging your relationships! They don't matter! But what the fuck, why can't I see how fucked up that is. I think I'm alone now...

thinkingandactingandsuckingthelifeoutofitall

I felt rejected.

Start with admitting that statement, and the rest flows smoothly with a little bit of coercing. After massaging into that flaky scalp of resentment and disappointment, qualities usually filed under "weak" and "not me", I opened up a world of what is going on in my brain from surface to the deepest of consciousness.

For one, I despise relying on other people for events and concerts and parties that I want to go to. And while I'm lucky to connect with an amazing group of talented and involved friends, it boils down to my inability to create those opportunities for myself. This realization sucks but feels really freeing at the same time, as now I can cultivate my own interests to lead to experience the stimulation and creative energy I seek. This town's guts are full of shit and full of possibilities, and I can't imagine spending another year feeling like I haven't gotten down and dirty within both piles. How to do this without "selling my soul" will be the next challenge, as I also slightly hate myself for even wanting to be invited to vapid soulless parties full of hangers on.

I suppose its the desire to be desired that peaks my curious little brain. Having enough to offer is not what scares me. What scares me is not being able to box it up into a tidy nutrition label. Am I a writer/designer/blogger? Am I a lowly web servant working for a startup internet company? Do I curate a magazine that I've yet to launch? Selling your goods when you don't know what product you are is what fucking scares me. The idea of me me me and wanting to go to a lykke li afterparty and the chateau marmont is what scares me.

Because we are all so fucking selfish. But it's a beautiful thing sometimes because our own selfish desires push us to improve, and to flex those little brain muscles which in turn we use to give. I got caught up in my own selfish shit pile and my dear friend was able to listen let me rant and get me out. I feel like I should be paying her sometimes because that 30 minute phone conversation took me down a different cosmic tubule. I jumped in and washed off my makeup and my caked on rage and sat down to let it all out.

I'll get there soon enough.

fangirl

The Weeknd - Rolling Stone by The_Weeknd

My apartment seems to be turning against me. My neighbors suck, use my washer/dryer daily, tracking in leaves and dirt SOMEHOW, while leaving their disgusting hideous clothes laying around. Also I feel haunted by some sort of a 3D ghost, that circles over my bed at night. And finally, I've dropped and damaged TWO iphones in the past 24 hours in the same spot, as if that same ghost pushed the devices out of my hand. Regardless of if its my own idiot fault, I feel stifled here! Whenever the inspiration strikes, I am blocked in the physical realm.

stuff

John Frusciante - Forever Away

Together we were unstoppable, peas in our own drunken abusive pod, and it felt safe. I grabbed another glass of Moet.

hello mister, pleased to meet ya

sometimes you perpetuate the feelings. the sadness, love and appetite-killing tickle in your chest that indicates a reaction.
---

---
flashes of lust afflict me all day long

i remember that we kissed. my mind returns to the hotel room, to that exact minute in our hazy film. i wanted you as my lover from that moment, and for so many more. you touched my face all over, said i had nice eyes and i believed you.

we're laying in the sleeping bag on that dirty old floor. its hot, but we want to be as close as two can get. i lie over you and you over me, telling you what i want, and you taking my not so subtle hints. i close my eyes and wish to stay there on the dustpiles all day long.

im in my fur ignoring the heat, you in my passenger seat. i have to say goodbye for the first time. you pulled me tight, kissed my lips taking the good route over the easy one. you were strong and i liked it.

bright sun and dark circles, i felt happy and selfish. my secret was that i hadn't felt that way in some time, so whenever it ended (it had to) i'd keep it close and warm. and now i am here with my mane, saturated and dripping with heavy handed pours of love and excited lust, forcing myself to return to the pale hue of real life. and you are there.

moooooore

one party of lost souls
aim of the night(every night)
was clouded consciousness
memory forging
altered states

corners where cameras
were blind to our
dirty deeds, we hid
stationary like sly little
foxes keen on an escape

slurred words
dripping with old memories
me dripping, then they dripping more
we gave away filter-less
precious moments preserved for
no one in particular

we choose to inauthentically
build our own night
as we saw fit
a bunch of phony control freaks
is all they were.

i got home and talked on the phone for a few hours and didn't smoke any cigarettes. Felt good to let go of the day and dumbitdown. saved my tweets, realized i haven't changed much, but a little more jaded. life seemed a bit more exciting two years ago. i feel sure i'll find that excitement again when summer comes for good.

TIMETODUMBITDOWN

I awoke with the most intense case of ambition and direction, partly due to an all-too-flattering message from an aquaintence. It's funny how our carefully curated public personas can give us a bit more je-ne-sais-quoi than we offer in real life. Nonetheless I wrote it off as a sweet coincidence and began my day on the floor. Scouring old notebooks proved to be not at all depressing and completely inspiring, as I collected my daily thoughts of yesteryear into a cohesive direction made for this moment. I refuse to divulge any details in this public forum, as I've become increasingly superstitious. Though I may lack in followers, my thoughts still contribute to the collective consciousness in some way or another, and I'll take what I can get in sheer privacy.

Good night, I'mabout to get drunk on wine and stoned in thought.

CLAMS CASINO - I'm God from kohnkepik on Vimeo.

I WONDER WHEN MY PAST WILL STOP CATCHING UP TO ME