formal aspirations

I used to be one of those people who look down upon overly formal, barely conversational couples at restaurants. The way they seemed almost uncomfortable around each other quieted my insecurities about my own relationships, musing that mine must be so much more real, that we must share a true connection. Perhaps these assumptions were correct, but at the moment, I hope to find a more formal connection with someone. Almost like you've just met, or that there is a mutual respect so strong that you fail to question each other over the petty stuff. You accept their directions to the Intelligensia in Pasadena without ego; you know you could just as easily look it up in your phone, or perhaps you've even been there before, but it doesn't matter when your man is spelling it out for you. Is this old school of me to feel this way? I read recently a quote from Jenny Holzer, who said submission can incredibly powerful, and perhaps I'm ready to set my feministic tendencies aside.

tomford4lyfe

and these are just glasses.

on self-pity

there is nothing like family
- after a self-imposed absence from new years celebrations, this morning I felt like I was back at summer camp, age 10. I woke up anxiety-ridden and sad. In this case the reason was a bit of good ole fashioned home-sickness triggered by "i have no good friends in los angeles" self-pity. I hate these moments, as recovery seems out of reach.

Two Fat Ladies never fails to comfort me
- despite the truth that I have absolutely no food in my house besides various condiments and a tiny cup of joan's pickle slices, this show, though hunger-forming makes me feel like its all okay. It also appeals to my old fashioned family business character fetish. The ladies' visits to various fish shacks and butter makers cements my belief that europe-is-better. i will get there.

if you miss new years...
-drink mimosas all the next day

don't you just hate yourself when you say something like
-"thats so cool", or "its weird that they have that beer here". COOL AND WEIRD ARE HORRIBLE DESCRIPTORS. It's virtually impossible to eliminate these words from my extremely unevolved vocabulary, but boy do they get to me! 2011 goal: step up my literacy. edit: need to think on this one a bit more

its going to be a glorious day

I'm forcing sentimentality. Upgrading family and better friends to the top of my VIP list where they belong. And its surprisingly easy.
What I'm struggling with is the bottom feeders; the friends who have routinely disappointed me, choosing to be selfish over cooperative, or distant rather than responsive. And hey - I'm guilty of it all, I selfishly hide away in my house most days.

So I'm not sure what to do. I've never been a grudge holder, but I'm leaning that way. I deserve a bit more.

amnesiac

radiohead works for me when I feel lonely in an indescribable way
- it succeeds in allowing me to dwell in some sort of sadness without delving in too deep. I enjoy using it for a most superficial sort of histrionic mourning. That's not to say it fails to deliver more thoughtful moments... c'est un undercover lover

signs are popping up everywhere lately, reiterating the things I already know i need to make happen
- the sheer frequency is enough to scare a gal. Enough already, universe!! (just kidding, it needs to be rubbed in, I'm a stubborn/dense gal)

hurdling romance

I can't believe I haven't written out one of those cliche, sitcom-character-style lists. The lists where you jot down all of the horrible qualities that your last dude had (i.e. he doesn't live in this country for most months; or, is a soulless narcissist). It should actually be required in order for girls to preserve their sanity in these trying cold winter months which mandate baggage-less clarity as a necessity if only just to have a warm soul in your bed for a few nights.

thoughts 12.24

I could really go for a cupcake right now
- and always.
My underlying need for perfection scares me
- Especially when it begins to affect those i care deeply about. The fact that it has flared up enormously since I've been home makes me realize it stems from something here.
Airports are full of attractive people
- And also full of humans I wish I never knew existed. Like the ones who let their children run rampant screaming. Or the grown adults who stand up and actually cough right over me without so much as a head turn or mouth cover. Better yet, the parents who play video games leaving their children to play with "old school" legos. These species scare me. Like in a Im-scared-for-the-future way.

thoughts 12.23

I'm surprised when movie stars are subtly thought provoking while off screen
- When a woman can possess that much physical beauty without triggering the most insecure parts of us, she is made up of good ole fashioned grace.
I often feel guilty like a junky might
- after taking hits from articles of my past. memories, physical notes, journals, and ticket stubs keep me up at night, and keep me away from my present.
Facebook is boring
- i vote for a move away from the overtly "social" on the web. Strangely I read an article by ashton kutcher about romance and technology, where he wrote a pretty uninteresting rant about how romance was dead but then again it sort of isn't because texting creates a whole new game people play, blah blah. My conclusion: I need to pick up the phone more often, because texting sucks.

fate and being alive and letting things happen. the string theory and being a coward.

thoughts 12.22

I really hate being last in line.
- Even if its just at a cafe. something about it makes me feel like i'm late to the party, a follower or something. i can't explain this feeling
I realize that i don't play the know-it-all very well.
- My sass is best doled out in small bursts in sober-ish environs. Under the influence of mind altering substances i tend to enjoy dwelling on a "gasp-worthy" opinion, without the devices to back it up. At these times I probably look blonde.
A ton of people spit cliches all day long
- If you describe your boyfriend as "incredibly supportive" as his most important trait, i will assume you are very boring and wear slacks.
2011 looks way more futuristic than 2010
- In other news, I realized that I will quite possibly live to see year 2050, and that I turn 30 in 2015.
Another one of my high school friends is getting married
- This makes 4 out of my 7 close friends. I take this to mean that I will remain alone forever, or that I should denounce my Texan roots because Texans girls get married in their 20s

limit to your love

JAMES BLAKE - LIMIT TO YOUR LOVE from martin de thurah on Vimeo.

James Blake's feist cover is super beautiful and a little creepy, and the vid is a nice companion. can't wait to hear more dubby goodness from this guy.

i guess ive given up any hopes of remaining anonymous here, so i'm just going to go for it.
ive been scouring old sketchbooks and computers all day, basking in the warm-and-fuzzy that comes with collegetime memories.


[2005, texere loft roof]

the grid, vol. 3

1- victor rodriguez, realist painter
2- witch hazel
3- creepy old nursery rhyme lithos
4- cat people
5- vintage gwyneth ( i feel sure ive done this one before )
6- paper margiela (www.jakandjil.com)
7- Kanye's My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (and being a closet popmusic addict)
8- breath
9- a warm bed on a cold morning
10- dancing in brooklyn under the glow of laser strobe lights
11- scripty tattoo fantasies
12- ethan hawke circa reality bites reciting gregory corso
13- believing in our innate intuition
14- dirty french messages
15- binging on books
16- johnny depp's 'stuff' a short film touring john frusciante's destroyed hollywood hills home (see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAJFgSz5TXY)

new york

time to catch up was so necessary. i saw old faces and within moments they felt as warm and dear as ever - instant good times.