musing on inadequacy

One of my neighbors is always playing jazz, audible from my parking spot
- i romanticize this and whenever i hear it, my plan to flip on the new episode of gossip girl feels suddenly so lo brow

Having been vegetarian for about a year and a half does not deter me from desiring a new rabbit fur coat
- The current heat wave in la also fails to deter me...

I now possess an outdoor space, and rarely use it even though that was the sole reason I left downtown

1.16.11

blue valentine made me feel uncomfortable.
- too close to home, too fatalistic with regard to love. it just can't work out with two strong/weak persons

on that note i'm frightened to explore what 2006-2009 did to me
-i hope it hasn't left me damaged

something i do want to explore is the idea that
- people feel uncomfortable when they are in situations that force them to be untrue to who they believe they are. we resent those moments and those who put us in them (ourselves, often)

im afraid to abandon one project in lieu of working on another
- because I fear I'll fail at that one too

thoughts 1.6.11

if you're gonna send some hate mail try not to mispell stuff
-dang, did i just misspell something?

its good to make an effort to see the special people youre lucky to know
- i don't do this enough, and fear i've become an LA flake. Okay I have always been a flake, as plans freak me out. #strokeit [just go over there]

power through the headaches
- fuck meds!

avoid looking at too much media from "yesteryear"
-It's pretty much not healthy when you hear someone filming you say "you're beautiful". rage will likely follow.

always look for signs
-they are everywhere! When two very different paths lead you to the same place, it means something, so don't let that shit go!

formal aspirations

I used to be one of those people who look down upon overly formal, barely conversational couples at restaurants. The way they seemed almost uncomfortable around each other quieted my insecurities about my own relationships, musing that mine must be so much more real, that we must share a true connection. Perhaps these assumptions were correct, but at the moment, I hope to find a more formal connection with someone. Almost like you've just met, or that there is a mutual respect so strong that you fail to question each other over the petty stuff. You accept their directions to the Intelligensia in Pasadena without ego; you know you could just as easily look it up in your phone, or perhaps you've even been there before, but it doesn't matter when your man is spelling it out for you. Is this old school of me to feel this way? I read recently a quote from Jenny Holzer, who said submission can incredibly powerful, and perhaps I'm ready to set my feministic tendencies aside.

on self-pity

there is nothing like family
- after a self-imposed absence from new years celebrations, this morning I felt like I was back at summer camp, age 10. I woke up anxiety-ridden and sad. In this case the reason was a bit of good ole fashioned home-sickness triggered by "i have no good friends in los angeles" self-pity. I hate these moments, as recovery seems out of reach.

Two Fat Ladies never fails to comfort me
- despite the truth that I have absolutely no food in my house besides various condiments and a tiny cup of joan's pickle slices, this show, though hunger-forming makes me feel like its all okay. It also appeals to my old fashioned family business character fetish. The ladies' visits to various fish shacks and butter makers cements my belief that europe-is-better. i will get there.

if you miss new years...
-drink mimosas all the next day

don't you just hate yourself when you say something like
-"thats so cool", or "its weird that they have that beer here". COOL AND WEIRD ARE HORRIBLE DESCRIPTORS. It's virtually impossible to eliminate these words from my extremely unevolved vocabulary, but boy do they get to me! 2011 goal: step up my literacy. edit: need to think on this one a bit more

amnesiac

radiohead works for me when I feel lonely in an indescribable way
- it succeeds in allowing me to dwell in some sort of sadness without delving in too deep. I enjoy using it for a most superficial sort of histrionic mourning. That's not to say it fails to deliver more thoughtful moments... c'est un undercover lover

signs are popping up everywhere lately, reiterating the things I already know i need to make happen
- the sheer frequency is enough to scare a gal. Enough already, universe!! (just kidding, it needs to be rubbed in, I'm a stubborn/dense gal)

hurdling romance

I can't believe I haven't written out one of those cliche, sitcom-character-style lists. The lists where you jot down all of the horrible qualities that your last dude had (i.e. he doesn't live in this country for most months; or, is a soulless narcissist). It should actually be required in order for girls to preserve their sanity in these trying cold winter months which mandate baggage-less clarity as a necessity if only just to have a warm soul in your bed for a few nights.

thoughts 12.24

I could really go for a cupcake right now
- and always.
My underlying need for perfection scares me
- Especially when it begins to affect those i care deeply about. The fact that it has flared up enormously since I've been home makes me realize it stems from something here.
Airports are full of attractive people
- And also full of humans I wish I never knew existed. Like the ones who let their children run rampant screaming. Or the grown adults who stand up and actually cough right over me without so much as a head turn or mouth cover. Better yet, the parents who play video games leaving their children to play with "old school" legos. These species scare me. Like in a Im-scared-for-the-future way.

thoughts 12.23

I'm surprised when movie stars are subtly thought provoking while off screen
- When a woman can possess that much physical beauty without triggering the most insecure parts of us, she is made up of good ole fashioned grace.
I often feel guilty like a junky might
- after taking hits from articles of my past. memories, physical notes, journals, and ticket stubs keep me up at night, and keep me away from my present.
Facebook is boring
- i vote for a move away from the overtly "social" on the web. Strangely I read an article by ashton kutcher about romance and technology, where he wrote a pretty uninteresting rant about how romance was dead but then again it sort of isn't because texting creates a whole new game people play, blah blah. My conclusion: I need to pick up the phone more often, because texting sucks.

thoughts 12.22

I really hate being last in line.
- Even if its just at a cafe. something about it makes me feel like i'm late to the party, a follower or something. i can't explain this feeling
I realize that i don't play the know-it-all very well.
- My sass is best doled out in small bursts in sober-ish environs. Under the influence of mind altering substances i tend to enjoy dwelling on a "gasp-worthy" opinion, without the devices to back it up. At these times I probably look blonde.
A ton of people spit cliches all day long
- If you describe your boyfriend as "incredibly supportive" as his most important trait, i will assume you are very boring and wear slacks.
2011 looks way more futuristic than 2010
- In other news, I realized that I will quite possibly live to see year 2050, and that I turn 30 in 2015.
Another one of my high school friends is getting married
- This makes 4 out of my 7 close friends. I take this to mean that I will remain alone forever, or that I should denounce my Texan roots because Texans girls get married in their 20s