the other half

- the realization that no one will ever truly be there for you
- when you get what you want, there's a chance you won't want it anymore
- distance makes the heart grow more desperate and delusional
- we can leave at any time. like disappear. Just slip out the back, Jack!

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon

the good ones were sociologists

just before 2, the night about to come to a close as far as the public is concerned.
wrap your arms around him, close as can be, elbows reaching his neck.
he is yours and you are his and everyone sees it.
dancing as one human, duo in nature but on the exact same page.
you are drunk and happy and you are one fucking moment together spinning away.

remember that feeling

surround me with strangers

surround me with strangers
so that i may remain detached from the people that bring me smiles and the same ones that force me into solitude and silent tears.

surround me with strangers
so that i may feel light. rip every last one of my fingers from his arm so that i can float up above it all, blissfully solo, yearning but in control again.

surround me with strangers sot hat i may mimic their required amount of energy, spouting back thier chipper pitch and friendly gesture.

Let me forget what sits deep in my gut for just a moment as I sit amongst the strangers in complete anonymity, gving myself silently to their causes in return.

Oh that Greg! Always in the best mood, and Tim with the baby face - hope his school is going well! Don't forget sassy Sally and her gold hoop earrings - always good for a laugh!

And let me never learn their true names, for everyone gets to keep their secrets and I get to pretend they are as simple as they appear in their work uniforms, one dimensional and uncomplicated all the while I becoming one of them, checking my troubles on the doormat of the coffee shop.

I'll eventually have to leave them when my mug runs dry or I decide its time to retire to sleep. I'll leave them and pick back up my troubles as I go, attempting to drown them out with music on the drive home. But they'll make themselves known again, always visible from the corner of my eye like a rogue wisp of my hair that wonders into the peripheral. I'll eventually allow it to full view, and while it encompasses my day I'll think fondly of the strangers from the night before.

where i am at

I am tired.
I just took a trip with myself and honestly I'm kind of sick of me.
I had an amazing time but I'm preoccupied with thoughts of him.
I want to be home in my bed.
I have witnessed the tears of several people today.
I wish I could let some out of my own.
I have been in two time zones in the past two days and am about to visit another one.


Breathe, breathe, it's going to be okay.
Maybe, or it will just continue to suck.

fucked.

I can't even...

b&w

the lost month

I don't know the difference with this one. He's my friend but I can't keep my hands to myself when I'm with him. He's my friend but he's tasted my lips and touched almost every part of me. He's my friend and I know his smell. He's my friend who I think about more than some.

Im confusing his sweet sweet attention with something else, some kind of attraction, and its consuming my nights and ruining my body. Because that's something I would do, fall for an unavailable mess. 

But oh how nice it is to touch.
(up on the counter, under the lunch table, behind the bar)
(waking up side by side, his hand on my ass, wine spilled around us)

what a wonderful mess we've made of June.

cryinginyourcar

I'm really unhappy about how I've chosen to handle everything in the past few days. As if I needed to wonder when or where the emo would hit or if it even would. Because of course, right then and there it comes like a fucking heavy flow, a period-in-theory rife with teary eyes and tummy trembling anxiety instead of blood.
I'm upset and I know why but it's like I'm in this hole and I can't see the light. My brain is telling me fuck them! Keep damaging your relationships! They don't matter! But what the fuck, why can't I see how fucked up that is. I think I'm alone now...

thinkingandactingandsuckingthelifeoutofitall

I felt rejected.

Start with admitting that statement, and the rest flows smoothly with a little bit of coercing. After massaging into that flaky scalp of resentment and disappointment, qualities usually filed under "weak" and "not me", I opened up a world of what is going on in my brain from surface to the deepest of consciousness.

For one, I despise relying on other people for events and concerts and parties that I want to go to. And while I'm lucky to connect with an amazing group of talented and involved friends, it boils down to my inability to create those opportunities for myself. This realization sucks but feels really freeing at the same time, as now I can cultivate my own interests to lead to experience the stimulation and creative energy I seek. This town's guts are full of shit and full of possibilities, and I can't imagine spending another year feeling like I haven't gotten down and dirty within both piles. How to do this without "selling my soul" will be the next challenge, as I also slightly hate myself for even wanting to be invited to vapid soulless parties full of hangers on.

I suppose its the desire to be desired that peaks my curious little brain. Having enough to offer is not what scares me. What scares me is not being able to box it up into a tidy nutrition label. Am I a writer/designer/blogger? Am I a lowly web servant working for a startup internet company? Do I curate a magazine that I've yet to launch? Selling your goods when you don't know what product you are is what fucking scares me. The idea of me me me and wanting to go to a lykke li afterparty and the chateau marmont is what scares me.

Because we are all so fucking selfish. But it's a beautiful thing sometimes because our own selfish desires push us to improve, and to flex those little brain muscles which in turn we use to give. I got caught up in my own selfish shit pile and my dear friend was able to listen let me rant and get me out. I feel like I should be paying her sometimes because that 30 minute phone conversation took me down a different cosmic tubule. I jumped in and washed off my makeup and my caked on rage and sat down to let it all out.

I'll get there soon enough.

fangirl

The Weeknd - Rolling Stone by The_Weeknd

My apartment seems to be turning against me. My neighbors suck, use my washer/dryer daily, tracking in leaves and dirt SOMEHOW, while leaving their disgusting hideous clothes laying around. Also I feel haunted by some sort of a 3D ghost, that circles over my bed at night. And finally, I've dropped and damaged TWO iphones in the past 24 hours in the same spot, as if that same ghost pushed the devices out of my hand. Regardless of if its my own idiot fault, I feel stifled here! Whenever the inspiration strikes, I am blocked in the physical realm.

stuff

John Frusciante - Forever Away

Together we were unstoppable, peas in our own drunken abusive pod, and it felt safe. I grabbed another glass of Moet.

hello mister, pleased to meet ya

sometimes you perpetuate the feelings. the sadness, love and appetite-killing tickle in your chest that indicates a reaction.
---

---
flashes of lust afflict me all day long

i remember that we kissed. my mind returns to the hotel room, to that exact minute in our hazy film. i wanted you as my lover from that moment, and for so many more. you touched my face all over, said i had nice eyes and i believed you.

we're laying in the sleeping bag on that dirty old floor. its hot, but we want to be as close as two can get. i lie over you and you over me, telling you what i want, and you taking my not so subtle hints. i close my eyes and wish to stay there on the dustpiles all day long.

im in my fur ignoring the heat, you in my passenger seat. i have to say goodbye for the first time. you pulled me tight, kissed my lips taking the good route over the easy one. you were strong and i liked it.

bright sun and dark circles, i felt happy and selfish. my secret was that i hadn't felt that way in some time, so whenever it ended (it had to) i'd keep it close and warm. and now i am here with my mane, saturated and dripping with heavy handed pours of love and excited lust, forcing myself to return to the pale hue of real life. and you are there.

moooooore

one party of lost souls
aim of the night(every night)
was clouded consciousness
memory forging
altered states

corners where cameras
were blind to our
dirty deeds, we hid
stationary like sly little
foxes keen on an escape

slurred words
dripping with old memories
me dripping, then they dripping more
we gave away filter-less
precious moments preserved for
no one in particular

we choose to inauthentically
build our own night
as we saw fit
a bunch of phony control freaks
is all they were.

i got home and talked on the phone for a few hours and didn't smoke any cigarettes. Felt good to let go of the day and dumbitdown. saved my tweets, realized i haven't changed much, but a little more jaded. life seemed a bit more exciting two years ago. i feel sure i'll find that excitement again when summer comes for good.

TIMETODUMBITDOWN

I awoke with the most intense case of ambition and direction, partly due to an all-too-flattering message from an aquaintence. It's funny how our carefully curated public personas can give us a bit more je-ne-sais-quoi than we offer in real life. Nonetheless I wrote it off as a sweet coincidence and began my day on the floor. Scouring old notebooks proved to be not at all depressing and completely inspiring, as I collected my daily thoughts of yesteryear into a cohesive direction made for this moment. I refuse to divulge any details in this public forum, as I've become increasingly superstitious. Though I may lack in followers, my thoughts still contribute to the collective consciousness in some way or another, and I'll take what I can get in sheer privacy.

Good night, I'mabout to get drunk on wine and stoned in thought.

CLAMS CASINO - I'm God from kohnkepik on Vimeo.

I WONDER WHEN MY PAST WILL STOP CATCHING UP TO ME

candy

maybe it was just super striking in the film, but I find the straight-forward language and idealistic imagery very appealing.


"Once upon a time, there was Candy and Dan.
Things were very hot that year. All the wax was melting in the trees.
He would climb balconies, climb everywhere, do anything for her, oh Danny boy.
Thousands of birds, the tiniest birds, adorned her hair.
Everything was gold.
One night the bed caught fire.
He was handsome and a very good criminal.
We lived on sunlight and chocolate bars.
It was the afternoon of extravagant delight.
Danny the daredevil.
Candy went missing.

The days last rays of sunshine cruise like sharks.
I want to try it your way this time.
You came into my life really fast and I liked it.
We squelched in the mud of our joy.
I was wet-thighed with surrender.
Then there was a gap in things and the whole earth tilted.
This is the business.
This, is what we're after.
With you inside me comes the hatch of death.
And perhaps I'll simply never sleep again.
The monster in the pool.

We are a proper family now with cats and chickens and runner beans.
Everywhere I looked.
And sometimes I hate you.
Friday -- I didn't mean that, mother of the blueness.
Angel of the storm.
Remember me in my opaqueness.
You pointed at the sky, that one called Sirius or dog star, but on here on earth. Fly away sun.
Ha ha *beep* ha you are so funny Dan.
A vase of flowers by the bed.
My bare blue knees at dawn. T
hese ruffled sheets and you are gone and I am going too.
I broke your head on the back of the bed but the baby he died in the morning.
I gave him a name. His name was thomas.
Poor little god.
His heart pounds like a voodoo drum."

so true.

"I know people get lonely because I do, so that’s what I end up writing songs about, how you get lonely sometimes and come up with these big ideas that give you meaning for a second but then leave you like everything else leaves you."
- Cass McCombs in a letter to Stereogum

can't give 'em up

i love this sparse corner nook with incense and trinkets

from Tobacco and Leather

i get overwhelmed by information pretty much constantly. after reading hundreds of blogs a day there are probably tens of things that grab my attention.

so as to gain some focus and perhaps patience, i want to do some exploratory posts on things that I'm interested in. lets see how this goes...

helplessness blues

Fleet Foxes - Grown Ocean from Fleet Foxes on Vimeo.

and what a stunning image

just one line

one party of lost souls
aim of the night
(every night)
was clouded consciousness
guilt inducing
memory forging
altered states

we choose to inauthentically
build our own moments
on our coin as we
gave away filter-less
precious moments reserved for
no one in particular
a bunch of phony control freaks
is all they were.

-me

thecalculatedflail

heart
mind
heart + mind
[null]

this except somewhere else

In Paris With You

Don't talk to me of love. I've had an earful
And I get tearful when I've downed a drink or two.
I'm one of your talking wounded.
I'm a hostage. I'm maroonded.
But I'm in Paris with you.

Yes I'm angry at the way I've been bamboozled
And resentful at the mess I've been through.
I admit I'm on the rebound
And I don't care where are we bound.
I'm in Paris with you.

Do you mind if we do not go to the Louvre
If we say sod off to sodding Notre Dame,
If we skip the Champs Elysées
And remain here in this sleazy

Old hotel room
Doing this and that
To what and whom
Learning who you are,
Learning what I am.

Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris,
The little bit of Paris in our view.
There's that crack across the ceiling
And the hotel walls are peeling
And I'm in Paris with you.

Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris.
I'm in Paris with the slightest thing you do.
I'm in Paris with your eyes, your mouth,
I'm in Paris with... all points south.
Am I embarrassing you?
I'm in Paris with you.

-james fenton

ITSTIMETOSLOWDOWN

i need all of it to myself

The Weeknd - Wicked Games by The_Weeknd

HOT.

its almost sick how quickly a mood can changed based upon outside influences. I had long mundane day at work only to find myself having drinks with my coworkers learning and laughing and being real. I had to bounce early to go to a class I wasn't really mentally prepared to attend, only to receive a stellar grade on the midterm I took the week prior in solid delirium. (see previous post)
I left the class feeling competent and grinning cheesily ear to ear. Today was a good day, and I believe in the power of positive actions. Chouette!

strike

this image and the mugler campaign imagery are so beautiful.

these times of woe afford no time to woo

i woke up unsure if i had slept at all and looked over at the window where, beyond the curtains lay lush green and as far as I was concerned, a black hole. Though night had fallen, I saw it clear as day; the spirit, a subtle ball of faint white glow flew towards my heart and entered me. I closed my eyes in a combination of disbelief and ecstasy and felt my body vibrate uncontrollably for a few seconds. The bodily quake left me paralyzed and confused as I began to feel my limbs return to pink and eventually to blood-red circulation. I lay astounded and tried to make sense of it all, heart pounding up to the ceiling and back into my chest.

if i had a boat

the most saturated of feelings. round the clock.
i can't pause yet to sort it out.

this trailer appeals to my mood at the moment:

the longest week

im tired like i've never been before. sleeping while im awake, i am floating along and all i want to hear is old arctic monkeys demos (hard to find)

i hope its good...

Norwegian Wood: Young Love on Nowness.com.

i think i'll reread this tonight

ck always has the best ads

hi lara

those lean sweet desperate hours

-kara mckenna, daughter of terence mckenna

http://openingceremony.us/products.asp?designerid=693&productid=31775

this sweater is so ugly and tiny and 90s, i love it.

once again everything has changed direction

bonds re-made
plans forged again
old habits restored

a beautiful past

was flipping through old photos from a kills show.

[photos by me]

i remember after the show alison mosshart was waiting for her mum, and i was so enamored by her that i bought her a drink. what a lovely force.

beauty

Cass McCombs - County Line by DominoRecordCo

[gardens & villa and hands, at the bootleg theater, january 31, 2011]

this was the only photo i semi-liked from a set that i shot with a really nice camera.
*crap*

i did, however, fall in love with the singer, only to find out while chatting that he lives in santa barbara. i promptly gave up.

let it fall

at the moment this is all i want

what you put out there is what you'll get back. +or-

so know what you want, minus the fear and let those vibes into the world


some from the archives

i wanna be a supermodel

male models are just as funny and awkward of creatures as their lady counterparts.

Boys of Milan & Paris FW2011 from Justin Wu on Vimeo.

musing on inadequacy

One of my neighbors is always playing jazz, audible from my parking spot
- i romanticize this and whenever i hear it, my plan to flip on the new episode of gossip girl feels suddenly so lo brow

Having been vegetarian for about a year and a half does not deter me from desiring a new rabbit fur coat
- The current heat wave in la also fails to deter me...

I now possess an outdoor space, and rarely use it even though that was the sole reason I left downtown

dirty beaches

way cool music.
Dirty Beaches - Golden Desert Sun by silkydoll

teddy boys

photos by ben watts

"The British Teddy Boy (also known as Ted) subculture is typified by young men wearing clothes that were partly inspired by the styles worn by dandies in the Edwardian period, styles which Savile Row tailors had attempted to re-introduce in Britain after World War II. The subculture started in London in the 1950s, and rapidly spread across the UK, soon becoming strongly associated with American rock and roll. "

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teddy_Boys

1.16.11

blue valentine made me feel uncomfortable.
- too close to home, too fatalistic with regard to love. it just can't work out with two strong/weak persons

on that note i'm frightened to explore what 2006-2009 did to me
-i hope it hasn't left me damaged

something i do want to explore is the idea that
- people feel uncomfortable when they are in situations that force them to be untrue to who they believe they are. we resent those moments and those who put us in them (ourselves, often)

im afraid to abandon one project in lieu of working on another
- because I fear I'll fail at that one too

trifecta

cole mohr. ash stymest. yuri pleskun.

Whether she knew it or not, her needs forced me to act as a charicature of myself, one oversized feature in a cartoon drawing of me. As if planned, she pushed a button knowing how I could react, and in turn I reacted in that way. Do I wish I could have been fully present in that moment, less high strung and more open? Sure. But even more, I wish that she would stop being so selfish.

take me or leave me, but i'm not a problem to be solved.

thoughts 1.6.11

if you're gonna send some hate mail try not to mispell stuff
-dang, did i just misspell something?

its good to make an effort to see the special people youre lucky to know
- i don't do this enough, and fear i've become an LA flake. Okay I have always been a flake, as plans freak me out. #strokeit [just go over there]

power through the headaches
- fuck meds!

avoid looking at too much media from "yesteryear"
-It's pretty much not healthy when you hear someone filming you say "you're beautiful". rage will likely follow.

always look for signs
-they are everywhere! When two very different paths lead you to the same place, it means something, so don't let that shit go!

meta

wikipedia > satanism > anton lavey > laveyan satanism > the big sleep

netflix > instant watch > scott walker 30th century man > hypem.com "scott walker" > the big sleep

zoo kid

Zoo Kid - "Out Getting Ribs"

the big sleep

Bat For Lashes (feat. Scott Walker) - The Big Sleep

artsy fartsy

i wish that 3 years ago i had just bought an alex prager photo. her prices have surely risen by now. I love her work, and her brief stint in fashion advertising looks promising too - this is hands down the most interesting spring 2011 ad I've seen yet.

formal aspirations

I used to be one of those people who look down upon overly formal, barely conversational couples at restaurants. The way they seemed almost uncomfortable around each other quieted my insecurities about my own relationships, musing that mine must be so much more real, that we must share a true connection. Perhaps these assumptions were correct, but at the moment, I hope to find a more formal connection with someone. Almost like you've just met, or that there is a mutual respect so strong that you fail to question each other over the petty stuff. You accept their directions to the Intelligensia in Pasadena without ego; you know you could just as easily look it up in your phone, or perhaps you've even been there before, but it doesn't matter when your man is spelling it out for you. Is this old school of me to feel this way? I read recently a quote from Jenny Holzer, who said submission can incredibly powerful, and perhaps I'm ready to set my feministic tendencies aside.

tomford4lyfe

and these are just glasses.

on self-pity

there is nothing like family
- after a self-imposed absence from new years celebrations, this morning I felt like I was back at summer camp, age 10. I woke up anxiety-ridden and sad. In this case the reason was a bit of good ole fashioned home-sickness triggered by "i have no good friends in los angeles" self-pity. I hate these moments, as recovery seems out of reach.

Two Fat Ladies never fails to comfort me
- despite the truth that I have absolutely no food in my house besides various condiments and a tiny cup of joan's pickle slices, this show, though hunger-forming makes me feel like its all okay. It also appeals to my old fashioned family business character fetish. The ladies' visits to various fish shacks and butter makers cements my belief that europe-is-better. i will get there.

if you miss new years...
-drink mimosas all the next day

don't you just hate yourself when you say something like
-"thats so cool", or "its weird that they have that beer here". COOL AND WEIRD ARE HORRIBLE DESCRIPTORS. It's virtually impossible to eliminate these words from my extremely unevolved vocabulary, but boy do they get to me! 2011 goal: step up my literacy. edit: need to think on this one a bit more

its going to be a glorious day

I'm forcing sentimentality. Upgrading family and better friends to the top of my VIP list where they belong. And its surprisingly easy.
What I'm struggling with is the bottom feeders; the friends who have routinely disappointed me, choosing to be selfish over cooperative, or distant rather than responsive. And hey - I'm guilty of it all, I selfishly hide away in my house most days.

So I'm not sure what to do. I've never been a grudge holder, but I'm leaning that way. I deserve a bit more.