slow motion

 

--

she said she had a calming relationship with death

friendly like she'd welcome it 

i pictured it like the feeling of seeing an old friend

familiar but not necessarily easy

--

Had I not known
that I was dead already
I would have mourned
the loss of my life.
- Ota Dokan

(15th century death poem)

i feel like crying all the time

this is a weird time.

- from april 3, 2020

why did they never tell me they loved me?

it feels better biting down

i'm completely stuck in nostalgia zone. so happy, so proud of life, what i accomplished socially, if you can call it that, and now focusing on my career and my life direction and how i can fucking be cool to my future kid, and attempting to read books still, and not just the astrology books that tell me i'm a fucking psycho gemini.

if i'm really going to "upgrade" to a solid life, commitment, compromise and infrequent sex, what will I be passing up? my body, barely equipped to handle 2 glasses of wine isn't capable of 7am nights, celebrating the sunrise with band members, making the short drive down sunset boulevard to work, re-making my outfit to appear different.

is it possible to get over the cigarette-fueled braless nights of yore

free free free
am i?

love is blindness

The past two nights I've been haunted by the kind of realistic dreams that don't even feel like dreams at all. They lack all surrealism and fantasy that make dreams worth having. They are boring and terrible and too real for comfort. And they started with a fight.

It's weird how we can actualize our own fears in what I can only assume is either an attempt to understand them or to come to terms with the fact that they are real and probably stirring within your every action. I fear that with that, we can find that our actions are motivated by a subconscious feeling. One based on a feeling from a dream is worse because it's not even real in this universe.

The first dream's details have faded from memory, but I remember waking up breathing hard and fully unable to control my lungs. Laying in my bed I had just been in someone's living room with C and his friends, whom I didn't know. A girl came over to C and hand outstretched, pulled him off the couch and took him to another room. I of course flip the fuck out demanding to know what is happening right now. He takes me aside and says its over. It's not working anymore and he is going to hang out with this new chick. Nothing I can do about it. Over. **Wake up without breath**

The second is more clear and direct. Slightly odd, my boyfriend's mom, my mom and aunt are all going to Europe on vacation. The five of us arrive and are eating in some café, when my boyfriend disappears.  What seems like an hour later, after consulting all forms of contacting him, I get a text saying, "I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I have a wife and family in Houston and can't avoid it anymore." Drama ensues, but again I awake flabbergasted. 

I have no fucking clue why this keeps happening to me in my dreams, and I awake with a betrayed disgusted feeling towards the man laying to my left, innocent and involved in his own dream adventures. 

It's obvious the fights I mention have to do with feelings of abandonment and the fear of being left behind. But those feelings were revisited because of a very real act of not showing up when and where I asked him to.  What was technically a minor event, has stirred up thoughts that he wants to avoid me, and lacks the necessary means of communication to NOT avoid me, and therefore I'm led to believe that he doesn't even know that he doesn't want to be with me but is acting on the motivation of his subconscious. Fucking TWISTED. 

I'm fully torn between the idea that this is something I should dive further into and something I should bury with the weekend, for the way it has permeated my dreams and actions cannot be healthy for either of us as my argument is based on assumptions and dreams.

Meanwhile I feel completely codependent and like I'm worrying about this far too much for my own good. I cannot allow fear to distract me from other parts of my life. 

Side Note: 

Another dream I've yet to analyze involved me and my sister on some sort of lighthouse buoy thing in the middle of the cold ocean where she keeps dropping things and I dive into the ocean completely ignorant of the possibility of sharks or other bad things. It's tempestuous in setting but blissful in mood. 

the weight of things unknown to my conscious mind are weighing on me, quite literally in the chest area. New feelings of jealousy and insecurity have entered the equation like mysterious berries enter a savory salad. get out of there!

perks

i hate that they wrote "we are infinite" on the poster.

the line in the book was "in that moment i swear we were infinite"

the best line trivialized, its not the reader's secret anymore

I'm such a fucking cynic.
The stories we romanticize as children, the bigger than life, happier-than-they-really-were memories that we have, I look back on with a sense of realism that almost ruins it. Because I have my own, that even I am unable to break down into anything other than blissful moments.

But when I hear those of others, the unimaginative me comes out, judging and ridiculing in my brain until the wine hits it enough to let me speak those unmentionable thoughts outloud, and I wish I fucking wouldn't! Why can't I let him have his moments of bliss, his untouched memories crafted by a child who doesn't know any better. I have to taint it with nasty realism. Rational thought. Why do we adults let this permeate our brains?

growing pains

i'm sure its a common thing, but myself being so far removed from any memory of a relationship or anything like it, I am trying to keep perspective as it stretches and molds itself into some new being. The relationship that is. I'm speaking about my new one. The tiny milestones you pass; jumping over hurdles of copying keys and driving each others cars, and miniature fights.

the other half

- the realization that no one will ever truly be there for you
- when you get what you want, there's a chance you won't want it anymore
- distance makes the heart grow more desperate and delusional
- we can leave at any time. like disappear. Just slip out the back, Jack!

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon

the good ones were sociologists

just before 2, the night about to come to a close as far as the public is concerned.
wrap your arms around him, close as can be, elbows reaching his neck.
he is yours and you are his and everyone sees it.
dancing as one human, duo in nature but on the exact same page.
you are drunk and happy and you are one fucking moment together spinning away.

remember that feeling

surround me with strangers

surround me with strangers
so that i may remain detached from the people that bring me smiles and the same ones that force me into solitude and silent tears.

surround me with strangers
so that i may feel light. rip every last one of my fingers from his arm so that i can float up above it all, blissfully solo, yearning but in control again.

surround me with strangers sot hat i may mimic their required amount of energy, spouting back thier chipper pitch and friendly gesture.

Let me forget what sits deep in my gut for just a moment as I sit amongst the strangers in complete anonymity, gving myself silently to their causes in return.

Oh that Greg! Always in the best mood, and Tim with the baby face - hope his school is going well! Don't forget sassy Sally and her gold hoop earrings - always good for a laugh!

And let me never learn their true names, for everyone gets to keep their secrets and I get to pretend they are as simple as they appear in their work uniforms, one dimensional and uncomplicated all the while I becoming one of them, checking my troubles on the doormat of the coffee shop.

I'll eventually have to leave them when my mug runs dry or I decide its time to retire to sleep. I'll leave them and pick back up my troubles as I go, attempting to drown them out with music on the drive home. But they'll make themselves known again, always visible from the corner of my eye like a rogue wisp of my hair that wonders into the peripheral. I'll eventually allow it to full view, and while it encompasses my day I'll think fondly of the strangers from the night before.

where i am at

I am tired.
I just took a trip with myself and honestly I'm kind of sick of me.
I had an amazing time but I'm preoccupied with thoughts of him.
I want to be home in my bed.
I have witnessed the tears of several people today.
I wish I could let some out of my own.
I have been in two time zones in the past two days and am about to visit another one.


Breathe, breathe, it's going to be okay.
Maybe, or it will just continue to suck.

fucked.

I can't even...