i was gasping for contact

the other half

2011-08-31T11:27:00.000-07:00

- the realization that no one will ever truly be there for you
- when you get what you want, there's a chance you won't want it anymore
- distance makes the heart grow more desperate and delusional
- we can leave at any time. like disappear. Just slip out the back, Jack!

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon

the good ones were sociologists

2011-08-10T15:39:00.001-07:00

2011-08-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

just before 2, the night about to come to a close as far as the public is concerned.
wrap your arms around him, close as can be, elbows reaching his neck.
he is yours and you are his and everyone sees it.
dancing as one human, duo in nature but on the exact same page.
you are drunk and happy and you are one fucking moment together spinning away.

remember that feeling

surround me with strangers

2011-08-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

surround me with strangers
so that i may remain detached from the people that bring me smiles and the same ones that force me into solitude and silent tears.

surround me with strangers
so that i may feel light. rip every last one of my fingers from his arm so that i can float up above it all, blissfully solo, yearning but in control again.

surround me with strangers sot hat i may mimic their required amount of energy, spouting back thier chipper pitch and friendly gesture.

Let me forget what sits deep in my gut for just a moment as I sit amongst the strangers in complete anonymity, gving myself silently to their causes in return.

Oh that Greg! Always in the best mood, and Tim with the baby face - hope his school is going well! Don't forget sassy Sally and her gold hoop earrings - always good for a laugh!

And let me never learn their true names, for everyone gets to keep their secrets and I get to pretend they are as simple as they appear in their work uniforms, one dimensional and uncomplicated all the while I becoming one of them, checking my troubles on the doormat of the coffee shop.

I'll eventually have to leave them when my mug runs dry or I decide its time to retire to sleep. I'll leave them and pick back up my troubles as I go, attempting to drown them out with music on the drive home. But they'll make themselves known again, always visible from the corner of my eye like a rogue wisp of my hair that wonders into the peripheral. I'll eventually allow it to full view, and while it encompasses my day I'll think fondly of the strangers from the night before.

where i am at

2011-07-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

I am tired.
I just took a trip with myself and honestly I'm kind of sick of me.
I had an amazing time but I'm preoccupied with thoughts of him.
I want to be home in my bed.
I have witnessed the tears of several people today.
I wish I could let some out of my own.
I have been in two time zones in the past two days and am about to visit another one.

Breathe, breathe, it's going to be okay.
Maybe, or it will just continue to suck.

fucked.

2011-06-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

I can't even...

b&w

2011-06-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

the lost month

2011-06-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know the difference with this one. He's my friend but I can't keep my hands to myself when I'm with him. He's my friend but he's tasted my lips and touched almost every part of me. He's my friend and I know his smell. He's my friend who I think about more than some.

Im confusing his sweet sweet attention with something else, some kind of attraction, and its consuming my nights and ruining my body. Because that's something I would do, fall for an unavailable mess.

But oh how nice it is to touch.
(up on the counter, under the lunch table, behind the bar)
(waking up side by side, his hand on my ass, wine spilled around us)

what a wonderful mess we've made of June.

cryinginyourcar

2011-06-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

I'm really unhappy about how I've chosen to handle everything in the past few days. As if I needed to wonder when or where the emo would hit or if it even would. Because of course, right then and there it comes like a fucking heavy flow, a period-in-theory rife with teary eyes and tummy trembling anxiety instead of blood.
I'm upset and I know why but it's like I'm in this hole and I can't see the light. My brain is telling me fuck them! Keep damaging your relationships! They don't matter! But what the fuck, why can't I see how fucked up that is. I think I'm alone now...

thinkingandactingandsuckingthelifeoutofitall

2011-06-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

I felt rejected.

Start with admitting that statement, and the rest flows smoothly with a little bit of coercing. After massaging into that flaky scalp of resentment and disappointment, qualities usually filed under "weak" and "not me", I opened up a world of what is going on in my brain from surface to the deepest of consciousness.

For one, I despise relying on other people for events and concerts and parties that I want to go to. And while I'm lucky to connect with an amazing group of talented and involved friends, it boils down to my inability to create those opportunities for myself. This realization sucks but feels really freeing at the same time, as now I can cultivate my own interests to lead to experience the stimulation and creative energy I seek. This town's guts are full of shit and full of possibilities, and I can't imagine spending another year feeling like I haven't gotten down and dirty within both piles. How to do this without "selling my soul" will be the next challenge, as I also slightly hate myself for even wanting to be invited to vapid soulless parties full of hangers on.

I suppose its the desire to be desired that peaks my curious little brain. Having enough to offer is not what scares me. What scares me is not being able to box it up into a tidy nutrition label. Am I a writer/designer/blogger? Am I a lowly web servant working for a startup internet company? Do I curate a magazine that I've yet to launch? Selling your goods when you don't know what product you are is what fucking scares me. The idea of me me me and wanting to go to a lykke li afterparty and the chateau marmont is what scares me.

Because we are all so fucking selfish. But it's a beautiful thing sometimes because our own selfish desires push us to improve, and to flex those little brain muscles which in turn we use to give. I got caught up in my own selfish shit pile and my dear friend was able to listen let me rant and get me out. I feel like I should be paying her sometimes because that 30 minute phone conversation took me down a different cosmic tubule. I jumped in and washed off my makeup and my caked on rage and sat down to let it all out.

I'll get there soon enough.

fangirl

2011-05-31T14:12:00.001-07:00

The Weeknd - Rolling Stone by The_Weeknd

2011-05-23T23:41:00.000-07:00

My apartment seems to be turning against me. My neighbors suck, use my washer/dryer daily, tracking in leaves and dirt SOMEHOW, while leaving their disgusting hideous clothes laying around. Also I feel haunted by some sort of a 3D ghost, that circles over my bed at night. And finally, I've dropped and damaged TWO iphones in the past 24 hours in the same spot, as if that same ghost pushed the devices out of my hand. Regardless of if its my own idiot fault, I feel stifled here! Whenever the inspiration strikes, I am blocked in the physical realm.

stuff

2011-05-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

John Frusciante - Forever Away

Together we were unstoppable, peas in our own drunken abusive pod, and it felt safe. I grabbed another glass of Moet.

2011-05-18T22:56:00.001-07:00

hello mister, pleased to meet ya

2011-05-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

sometimes you perpetuate the feelings. the sadness, love and appetite-killing tickle in your chest that indicates a reaction.
---

---
flashes of lust afflict me all day long

i remember that we kissed. my mind returns to the hotel room, to that exact minute in our hazy film. i wanted you as my lover from that moment, and for so many more. you touched my face all over, said i had nice eyes and i believed you.

we're laying in the sleeping bag on that dirty old floor. its hot, but we want to be as close as two can get. i lie over you and you over me, telling you what i want, and you taking my not so subtle hints. i close my eyes and wish to stay there on the dustpiles all day long.

im in my fur ignoring the heat, you in my passenger seat. i have to say goodbye for the first time. you pulled me tight, kissed my lips taking the good route over the easy one. you were strong and i liked it.

bright sun and dark circles, i felt happy and selfish. my secret was that i hadn't felt that way in some time, so whenever it ended (it had to) i'd keep it close and warm. and now i am here with my mane, saturated and dripping with heavy handed pours of love and excited lust, forcing myself to return to the pale hue of real life. and you are there.

moooooore

2011-05-12T01:26:00.000-07:00

one party of lost souls
aim of the night(every night)
was clouded consciousness
memory forging
altered states

corners where cameras
were blind to our
dirty deeds, we hid
stationary like sly little
foxes keen on an escape

slurred words
dripping with old memories
me dripping, then they dripping more
we gave away filter-less
precious moments preserved for
no one in particular

we choose to inauthentically
build our own night
as we saw fit
a bunch of phony control freaks
is all they were.

2011-05-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

i got home and talked on the phone for a few hours and didn't smoke any cigarettes. Felt good to let go of the day and dumbitdown. saved my tweets, realized i haven't changed much, but a little more jaded. life seemed a bit more exciting two years ago. i feel sure i'll find that excitement again when summer comes for good.

TIMETODUMBITDOWN

2011-05-10T21:39:00.001-07:00

2011-05-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

2011-05-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

I awoke with the most intense case of ambition and direction, partly due to an all-too-flattering message from an aquaintence. It's funny how our carefully curated public personas can give us a bit more je-ne-sais-quoi than we offer in real life. Nonetheless I wrote it off as a sweet coincidence and began my day on the floor. Scouring old notebooks proved to be not at all depressing and completely inspiring, as I collected my daily thoughts of yesteryear into a cohesive direction made for this moment. I refuse to divulge any details in this public forum, as I've become increasingly superstitious. Though I may lack in followers, my thoughts still contribute to the collective consciousness in some way or another, and I'll take what I can get in sheer privacy.

Good night, I'mabout to get drunk on wine and stoned in thought.

2011-05-03T17:30:00.001-07:00

CLAMS CASINO - I'm God from kohnkepik on Vimeo.

I WONDER WHEN MY PAST WILL STOP CATCHING UP TO ME

2011-05-02T22:01:00.000-07:00

candy

2011-04-28T22:27:00.001-07:00

maybe it was just super striking in the film, but I find the straight-forward language and idealistic imagery very appealing.

"Once upon a time, there was Candy and Dan.
Things were very hot that year. All the wax was melting in the trees.
He would climb balconies, climb everywhere, do anything for her, oh Danny boy.
Thousands of birds, the tiniest birds, adorned her hair.
Everything was gold.
One night the bed caught fire.
He was handsome and a very good criminal.
We lived on sunlight and chocolate bars.
It was the afternoon of extravagant delight.
Danny the daredevil.
Candy went missing.

The days last rays of sunshine cruise like sharks.
I want to try it your way this time.
You came into my life really fast and I liked it.
We squelched in the mud of our joy.
I was wet-thighed with surrender.
Then there was a gap in things and the whole earth tilted.
This is the business.
This, is what we're after.
With you inside me comes the hatch of death.
And perhaps I'll simply never sleep again.
The monster in the pool.

We are a proper family now with cats and chickens and runner beans.
Everywhere I looked.
And sometimes I hate you.
Friday -- I didn't mean that, mother of the blueness.
Angel of the storm.
Remember me in my opaqueness.
You pointed at the sky, that one called Sirius or dog star, but on here on earth. Fly away sun.
Ha ha *beep* ha you are so funny Dan.
A vase of flowers by the bed.
My bare blue knees at dawn. T
hese ruffled sheets and you are gone and I am going too.
I broke your head on the back of the bed but the baby he died in the morning.
I gave him a name. His name was thomas.
Poor little god.
His heart pounds like a voodoo drum."

so true.

2011-04-25T15:11:00.001-07:00

"I know people get lonely because I do, so that’s what I end up writing songs about, how you get lonely sometimes and come up with these big ideas that give you meaning for a second but then leave you like everything else leaves you."
- Cass McCombs in a letter to Stereogum

can't give 'em up

2011-04-22T17:31:00.001-07:00

2011-04-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

i love this sparse corner nook with incense and trinkets

from Tobacco and Leather

2011-04-20T13:46:00.000-07:00

i get overwhelmed by information pretty much constantly. after reading hundreds of blogs a day there are probably tens of things that grab my attention.

so as to gain some focus and perhaps patience, i want to do some exploratory posts on things that I'm interested in. lets see how this goes...

helplessness blues

2011-04-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

Fleet Foxes - Grown Ocean from Fleet Foxes on Vimeo.

and what a stunning image

just one line

2011-04-17T23:09:00.000-07:00

one party of lost souls
aim of the night
(every night)
was clouded consciousness
guilt inducing
memory forging
altered states

we choose to inauthentically
build our own moments
on our coin as we
gave away filter-less
precious moments reserved for
no one in particular
a bunch of phony control freaks
is all they were.

-me

thecalculatedflail

2011-04-07T00:53:00.000-07:00

heart
mind
heart + mind
[null]

this except somewhere else

2011-04-04T16:59:00.001-07:00

In Paris With You

Don't talk to me of love. I've had an earful
And I get tearful when I've downed a drink or two.
I'm one of your talking wounded.
I'm a hostage. I'm maroonded.
But I'm in Paris with you.

Yes I'm angry at the way I've been bamboozled
And resentful at the mess I've been through.
I admit I'm on the rebound
And I don't care where are we bound.
I'm in Paris with you.

Do you mind if we do not go to the Louvre
If we say sod off to sodding Notre Dame,
If we skip the Champs Elysées
And remain here in this sleazy

Old hotel room
Doing this and that
To what and whom
Learning who you are,
Learning what I am.

Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris,
The little bit of Paris in our view.
There's that crack across the ceiling
And the hotel walls are peeling
And I'm in Paris with you.

Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris.
I'm in Paris with the slightest thing you do.
I'm in Paris with your eyes, your mouth,
I'm in Paris with... all points south.
Am I embarrassing you?
I'm in Paris with you.

-james fenton

ITSTIMETOSLOWDOWN

2011-04-02T22:53:00.001-07:00

2011-04-01T12:05:00.001-07:00

i need all of it to myself

2011-03-31T00:37:00.001-07:00

The Weeknd - Wicked Games by The_Weeknd

HOT.

2011-03-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

its almost sick how quickly a mood can changed based upon outside influences. I had long mundane day at work only to find myself having drinks with my coworkers learning and laughing and being real. I had to bounce early to go to a class I wasn't really mentally prepared to attend, only to receive a stellar grade on the midterm I took the week prior in solid delirium. (see previous post)
I left the class feeling competent and grinning cheesily ear to ear. Today was a good day, and I believe in the power of positive actions. Chouette!

strike

2011-03-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

this image and the mugler campaign imagery are so beautiful.

these times of woe afford no time to woo

2011-03-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

i woke up unsure if i had slept at all and looked over at the window where, beyond the curtains lay lush green and as far as I was concerned, a black hole. Though night had fallen, I saw it clear as day; the spirit, a subtle ball of faint white glow flew towards my heart and entered me. I closed my eyes in a combination of disbelief and ecstasy and felt my body vibrate uncontrollably for a few seconds. The bodily quake left me paralyzed and confused as I began to feel my limbs return to pink and eventually to blood-red circulation. I lay astounded and tried to make sense of it all, heart pounding up to the ceiling and back into my chest.

if i had a boat

2011-03-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

the most saturated of feelings. round the clock.
i can't pause yet to sort it out.

this trailer appeals to my mood at the moment:

the longest week

2011-03-22T13:53:00.001-07:00

im tired like i've never been before. sleeping while im awake, i am floating along and all i want to hear is old arctic monkeys demos (hard to find)

i hope its good...

2011-03-07T18:29:00.001-08:00

Norwegian Wood: Young Love on Nowness.com.

i think i'll reread this tonight

2011-02-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

ck always has the best ads

2011-02-24T23:11:00.000-08:00

hi lara

those lean sweet desperate hours

2011-02-24T22:48:00.000-08:00

-kara mckenna, daughter of terence mckenna

2011-02-09T15:00:00.000-08:00

http://openingceremony.us/products.asp?designerid=693&productid=31775

this sweater is so ugly and tiny and 90s, i love it.

once again everything has changed direction

2011-02-07T22:16:00.000-08:00

bonds re-made
plans forged again
old habits restored

a beautiful past

2011-02-03T21:55:00.000-08:00

was flipping through old photos from a kills show.

[photos by me]

i remember after the show alison mosshart was waiting for her mum, and i was so enamored by her that i bought her a drink. what a lovely force.

beauty

2011-02-02T16:35:00.001-08:00

Cass McCombs - County Line by DominoRecordCo

2011-02-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

[gardens & villa and hands, at the bootleg theater, january 31, 2011]

this was the only photo i semi-liked from a set that i shot with a really nice camera.
*crap*

i did, however, fall in love with the singer, only to find out while chatting that he lives in santa barbara. i promptly gave up.

let it fall

2011-01-28T17:15:00.001-08:00

at the moment this is all i want

2011-01-28T15:32:00.000-08:00

what you put out there is what you'll get back. +or-

so know what you want, minus the fear and let those vibes into the world

some from the archives

i wanna be a supermodel

2011-01-25T13:41:00.001-08:00

male models are just as funny and awkward of creatures as their lady counterparts.

Boys of Milan & Paris FW2011 from Justin Wu on Vimeo.

musing on inadequacy

2011-01-24T22:10:00.000-08:00

One of my neighbors is always playing jazz, audible from my parking spot
- i romanticize this and whenever i hear it, my plan to flip on the new episode of gossip girl feels suddenly so lo brow

Having been vegetarian for about a year and a half does not deter me from desiring a new rabbit fur coat
- The current heat wave in la also fails to deter me...

I now possess an outdoor space, and rarely use it even though that was the sole reason I left downtown

dirty beaches

2011-01-21T13:43:00.000-08:00

way cool music.
Dirty Beaches - Golden Desert Sun by silkydoll

teddy boys

2011-01-17T15:12:00.000-08:00

photos by ben watts

"The British Teddy Boy (also known as Ted) subculture is typified by young men wearing clothes that were partly inspired by the styles worn by dandies in the Edwardian period, styles which Savile Row tailors had attempted to re-introduce in Britain after World War II. The subculture started in London in the 1950s, and rapidly spread across the UK, soon becoming strongly associated with American rock and roll. "

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teddy_Boys

1.16.11

2011-01-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

blue valentine made me feel uncomfortable.
- too close to home, too fatalistic with regard to love. it just can't work out with two strong/weak persons

on that note i'm frightened to explore what 2006-2009 did to me
-i hope it hasn't left me damaged

something i do want to explore is the idea that
- people feel uncomfortable when they are in situations that force them to be untrue to who they believe they are. we resent those moments and those who put us in them (ourselves, often)

im afraid to abandon one project in lieu of working on another
- because I fear I'll fail at that one too

trifecta

2011-01-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

cole mohr. ash stymest. yuri pleskun.

2011-01-08T21:50:00.000-08:00

Whether she knew it or not, her needs forced me to act as a charicature of myself, one oversized feature in a cartoon drawing of me. As if planned, she pushed a button knowing how I could react, and in turn I reacted in that way. Do I wish I could have been fully present in that moment, less high strung and more open? Sure. But even more, I wish that she would stop being so selfish.

take me or leave me, but i'm not a problem to be solved.

thoughts 1.6.11

2011-01-06T20:13:00.000-08:00

if you're gonna send some hate mail try not to mispell stuff
-dang, did i just misspell something?

its good to make an effort to see the special people youre lucky to know
- i don't do this enough, and fear i've become an LA flake. Okay I have always been a flake, as plans freak me out. #strokeit [just go over there]

power through the headaches
- fuck meds!

avoid looking at too much media from "yesteryear"
-It's pretty much not healthy when you hear someone filming you say "you're beautiful". rage will likely follow.

always look for signs
-they are everywhere! When two very different paths lead you to the same place, it means something, so don't let that shit go!

zoo kid

2011-01-05T18:40:00.000-08:00

Zoo Kid - "Out Getting Ribs"

the big sleep

2011-01-05T13:26:00.000-08:00

Bat For Lashes (feat. Scott Walker) - The Big Sleep

artsy fartsy

2011-01-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

i wish that 3 years ago i had just bought an alex prager photo. her prices have surely risen by now. I love her work, and her brief stint in fashion advertising looks promising too - this is hands down the most interesting spring 2011 ad I've seen yet.

formal aspirations

2011-01-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

I used to be one of those people who look down upon overly formal, barely conversational couples at restaurants. The way they seemed almost uncomfortable around each other quieted my insecurities about my own relationships, musing that mine must be so much more real, that we must share a true connection. Perhaps these assumptions were correct, but at the moment, I hope to find a more formal connection with someone. Almost like you've just met, or that there is a mutual respect so strong that you fail to question each other over the petty stuff. You accept their directions to the Intelligensia in Pasadena without ego; you know you could just as easily look it up in your phone, or perhaps you've even been there before, but it doesn't matter when your man is spelling it out for you. Is this old school of me to feel this way? I read recently a quote from Jenny Holzer, who said submission can incredibly powerful, and perhaps I'm ready to set my feministic tendencies aside.

tomford4lyfe

2011-01-01T23:55:00.001-08:00

and these are just glasses.

on self-pity

2011-01-01T23:37:00.000-08:00

there is nothing like family
- after a self-imposed absence from new years celebrations, this morning I felt like I was back at summer camp, age 10. I woke up anxiety-ridden and sad. In this case the reason was a bit of good ole fashioned home-sickness triggered by "i have no good friends in los angeles" self-pity. I hate these moments, as recovery seems out of reach.

Two Fat Ladies never fails to comfort me
- despite the truth that I have absolutely no food in my house besides various condiments and a tiny cup of joan's pickle slices, this show, though hunger-forming makes me feel like its all okay. It also appeals to my old fashioned family business character fetish. The ladies' visits to various fish shacks and butter makers cements my belief that europe-is-better. i will get there.

if you miss new years...
-drink mimosas all the next day

don't you just hate yourself when you say something like
-"thats so cool", or "its weird that they have that beer here". COOL AND WEIRD ARE HORRIBLE DESCRIPTORS. It's virtually impossible to eliminate these words from my extremely unevolved vocabulary, but boy do they get to me! 2011 goal: step up my literacy. edit: need to think on this one a bit more

its going to be a glorious day

2011-01-01T23:25:00.000-08:00

I'm forcing sentimentality. Upgrading family and better friends to the top of my VIP list where they belong. And its surprisingly easy.
What I'm struggling with is the bottom feeders; the friends who have routinely disappointed me, choosing to be selfish over cooperative, or distant rather than responsive. And hey - I'm guilty of it all, I selfishly hide away in my house most days.

So I'm not sure what to do. I've never been a grudge holder, but I'm leaning that way. I deserve a bit more.

amnesiac

2010-12-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

radiohead works for me when I feel lonely in an indescribable way
- it succeeds in allowing me to dwell in some sort of sadness without delving in too deep. I enjoy using it for a most superficial sort of histrionic mourning. That's not to say it fails to deliver more thoughtful moments... c'est un undercover lover

signs are popping up everywhere lately, reiterating the things I already know i need to make happen
- the sheer frequency is enough to scare a gal. Enough already, universe!! (just kidding, it needs to be rubbed in, I'm a stubborn/dense gal)

hurdling romance

2010-12-25T22:34:00.001-08:00

I can't believe I haven't written out one of those cliche, sitcom-character-style lists. The lists where you jot down all of the horrible qualities that your last dude had (i.e. he doesn't live in this country for most months; or, is a soulless narcissist). It should actually be required in order for girls to preserve their sanity in these trying cold winter months which mandate baggage-less clarity as a necessity if only just to have a warm soul in your bed for a few nights.

thoughts 12.24

2010-12-24T22:32:00.000-08:00

I could really go for a cupcake right now
- and always.
My underlying need for perfection scares me
- Especially when it begins to affect those i care deeply about. The fact that it has flared up enormously since I've been home makes me realize it stems from something here.
Airports are full of attractive people
- And also full of humans I wish I never knew existed. Like the ones who let their children run rampant screaming. Or the grown adults who stand up and actually cough right over me without so much as a head turn or mouth cover. Better yet, the parents who play video games leaving their children to play with "old school" legos. These species scare me. Like in a Im-scared-for-the-future way.

2010-12-24T00:05:00.001-08:00

thoughts 12.23

2010-12-23T23:55:00.000-08:00

I'm surprised when movie stars are subtly thought provoking while off screen
- When a woman can possess that much physical beauty without triggering the most insecure parts of us, she is made up of good ole fashioned grace.
I often feel guilty like a junky might
- after taking hits from articles of my past. memories, physical notes, journals, and ticket stubs keep me up at night, and keep me away from my present.
Facebook is boring
- i vote for a move away from the overtly "social" on the web. Strangely I read an article by ashton kutcher about romance and technology, where he wrote a pretty uninteresting rant about how romance was dead but then again it sort of isn't because texting creates a whole new game people play, blah blah. My conclusion: I need to pick up the phone more often, because texting sucks.

2010-12-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

fate and being alive and letting things happen. the string theory and being a coward.

thoughts 12.22

2010-12-22T19:51:00.000-08:00

I really hate being last in line.
- Even if its just at a cafe. something about it makes me feel like i'm late to the party, a follower or something. i can't explain this feeling
I realize that i don't play the know-it-all very well.
- My sass is best doled out in small bursts in sober-ish environs. Under the influence of mind altering substances i tend to enjoy dwelling on a "gasp-worthy" opinion, without the devices to back it up. At these times I probably look blonde.
A ton of people spit cliches all day long
- If you describe your boyfriend as "incredibly supportive" as his most important trait, i will assume you are very boring and wear slacks.
2011 looks way more futuristic than 2010
- In other news, I realized that I will quite possibly live to see year 2050, and that I turn 30 in 2015.
Another one of my high school friends is getting married
- This makes 4 out of my 7 close friends. I take this to mean that I will remain alone forever, or that I should denounce my Texan roots because Texans girls get married in their 20s

limit to your love

2010-12-21T17:23:00.000-08:00

JAMES BLAKE - LIMIT TO YOUR LOVE from martin de thurah on Vimeo.

James Blake's feist cover is super beautiful and a little creepy, and the vid is a nice companion. can't wait to hear more dubby goodness from this guy.

2010-12-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

i guess ive given up any hopes of remaining anonymous here, so i'm just going to go for it.
ive been scouring old sketchbooks and computers all day, basking in the warm-and-fuzzy that comes with collegetime memories.

[2005, texere loft roof]

the grid, vol. 3

2010-12-17T16:40:00.000-08:00

1- victor rodriguez, realist painter
2- witch hazel
3- creepy old nursery rhyme lithos
4- cat people
5- vintage gwyneth ( i feel sure ive done this one before )
6- paper margiela (www.jakandjil.com)
7- Kanye's My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (and being a closet popmusic addict)
8- breath
9- a warm bed on a cold morning
10- dancing in brooklyn under the glow of laser strobe lights
11- scripty tattoo fantasies
12- ethan hawke circa reality bites reciting gregory corso
13- believing in our innate intuition
14- dirty french messages
15- binging on books
16- johnny depp's 'stuff' a short film touring john frusciante's destroyed hollywood hills home (see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAJFgSz5TXY)

new york

2010-12-17T11:53:00.000-08:00

time to catch up was so necessary. i saw old faces and within moments they felt as warm and dear as ever - instant good times.

2010-11-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

Just me, an empty chair, a glass of malbec and a bunch of people twice my age.

like magick

2010-11-17T16:54:00.000-08:00

these are the songs that can surely get me out of a funk. eerily intense, i feel at once small and adequate, and most of all like they're my little secrets.

now ill (illegally) give them to you.
John Frusciante - Untitled #6
The Doors - When the Music's Over

is mercury in retrograde?

2010-11-17T16:31:00.000-08:00

i can't communicate for shit.

like a shotgun needs an outcome

2010-11-15T17:58:00.000-08:00

i love lykke li's evolved look.

let me be your one light

2010-11-08T22:33:00.000-08:00

we are fickle beings.
i realize that sometimes i ask alot of you. probably too much, more than anyone should require.

Kendal Johansson - Blue Moon (Big Star Cover)

2010-11-04T23:54:00.000-07:00

this image represents everything that I love about what i'm working on, and also every bit of apprehension and flash of failure that feels stuck in my eyes like a fuzz i can't get out.

but boy was it great seeing it on the printed page.

also im ready to love, or maybe just like, a man again. when it rains it pours, and my gut knows that quite well.

2010-10-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

2010-09-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

Matthew Dear - You Put A Smell On Me

bright like neon love

2010-08-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

marni resort 2011

hallucination, stat.

2010-07-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

live drawings, laughing faces, bombs, apocalypse, and fish tanks. make me normal again.

2010-07-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

In what most might consider his piece de resistance, "Under the Bridge", Anthony Kiedis wrote "sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city i live in". His words haven't rung more true as I entered my city, his city, feeling the kind of depression that one feels after returning to a new home after leaving an old one, one filled with family and history that still doesn't outweigh the 7 or so years I've spent here in Los Angeles.

I feel lost and allergic to my surroundings, unfulfilled by my job, enlightened by my books, and distaste towards those I consider my friends. A general feeling of malaise overcomes me hourly as I struggle to remain focused and inspired in the way I feel when I listen to Kiedis' lyrics or Huxley's words. There's plenty around me to snap me out of it, and it just almost works until I slip back again.

If Los Angeles is my only friend, why can't she show my what she's made of? Why is it so hard for me to simply snap out of it? The perfume in the air is enough to send me into a rage of anger, of bitter feelings.

beauty

2010-07-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

photo by sam taylor-wood
i love her

unstable

2010-07-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

the boswell sisters

Endless, nameless

2010-06-24T02:42:00.000-07:00

"today was a good day." yes it was. Despite my lingering feelings of general indifference mixed with a dash of inadequacy tonight was carefree, good ole fashioned fun times with people I heart. It felt nice to be in a place I'd normally never go dancing on tables drinking only energy drinks and smiling the big kind of smiles that seem to have become rare on my face.

Dipping low and having ice fights in front of a very cute Jack osbourne was innocent and refreshing and I just didn't give a shit and I will not apologize for it. I'll knock into you and dance around you and put my arms in the air without apology while I command my corner. So don't bring me down, say it was weird or feel shitty that your boyfriend wasn't there because dude, that is life and that is why I live in this fine city.

Alone. Xo

the difficult hazardous poetic way

2010-06-11T02:21:00.001-07:00

Sitting here, absorbed in myself, its easy to lose track. Time spent with my eyelashes in the pages of books, nose in gin and tonics, and eyes towards the ground to avoid bumps and shit piles of real interaction, its easy to forget, to realize what my selfish actions say to everyone around me.

If at best, I feel present a month later, a half-year later, maybe more, when will I realize how those sideline relationships have changed? Will I wake up and realize that your best friend might not be so anymore, because I can't remember the last time we spoke on the phone? Or to suddenly see that I've unfficially been excluded from a group I once considered close, to be a true outsider, because I had my own shit and felt it would be a burden to catch them up. It sort of sucks, because it's not like I can ever catch up when its been that long, like you can swing a last minute flight to vegas to participate. The next time, their inside jokes will flow, and lost, I'll pretend to laugh while feeling inadequate and clueless and bitter all at the same time.

But it's worth it right? All we have is our "Self" and our "gods" and our crystals and our feelings and knowledge and egos. Sometimes these things seem to project our worth in inflated terms; our stock rises as self-consciousness flies out the window. Sweet witty acquaintances reach out to tell their secrets because they felt you'd care. Admirers from afar keep quiet until they reach your city, bombarding you with feelings they've been repressing for months, existing in the ether while you strut up and down streets, pick your nose and read yet another rock biography.

To be truly present seems something that can only be learned through experience. All I can gather is that if one acts instantly, the present will come more naturally. Sans procrastination, everything can be revealed.

it feels less infinite

2010-06-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

It's just become June and like some frilly little child of 10 my stomach did a miniature flip because it means that in just one day I'll be a year older. I don't even like birthdays, in fact I dread them but for some reason when the clock struck twelve, I just knew. It is now my month. My beautiful summery, one-year-older, attention-dodging month. The other months slide by under my radar, like any other day, oh its march? Fancy that. But June holds a special place for contemplation, inevitable ick thoughts and the inventory of the past 365.

What's strange is that I cannot for the life of me remember how I spent my last birthday. I can remember various friends 23rds and 24ths and 25ths, but I'm sitting here drawing a blank on my own. It's strange, thinking back on a year of your life. Your short life, long life however you view it, and trying to realize what you've accomplished what you fucked up, what brought you joy. The laughs, the down-and-outs and the gasp stories accumulated over the year.

I've hardly lost any friends, kept a job (touch wood) and felt passionate and a little bit more whole. but what does it matter when I can't remember the very moment of turning 24. I can assure myself that this year I'll remember, I'll clink glasses with my gals and guys and can only hope that champagne will be involved. But will I remember this one? WIll I forget like its a just a page in some novel, forgettable like a poorly written page of a great book?

When you're getting older, is it still okay to focus on the birthdays? Just like anniversaries, are they truly important? If I refuse to admit to having a boyfriend, refuse to celebrate a monthly anniversary, much less a relationship with the idea that every moment should be spent celebrating a bond or a life or a kiss and everything, what makes my birthday any different? Photos will be taken cette an.

2010-05-27T10:09:00.001-07:00

Record Club: INXS "Mediate" from Beck Hansen on Vimeo.

im in the corner, watching you kiss her

2010-05-15T21:39:00.001-07:00

i would have "retumbled" this if i used tumblr.

"Wandering Tumblrville, I’ve seen a lot of digital bumper stickers: sage observations and inspirational phrases rendered artistically. College students seem to be using Tumblr as a corkboard, a place to tack these up.

I am not disparaging this practice. I just wonder how helpful a phrase can be when it isn’t in your face all day. As Tumbls accumulate, the sis-boom-bah advice will slip behind the footage of cats playing theremins."

- sasha frere jones

is a genius.

from http://sashafrerejones.tumblr.com/post/580572864/wandering-tumblrville-ive-seen-a-lot-of-digital

i prefer chalkboards or my hand because some things need to be in your face all of the time. especially personal mantras.

from marilyn manson "i believe in dreams, i believe that every night on the planet everything that is, was and can be is dreamt. i believe that what happens in dreams is no different and no less important than what happens int he waking world. i believe that dreams are the closest equivalent presentday mankind has to time travel. i believe you can visit your past, present and future in dreams. i believe i've dreamt half of my life that hasn't happened yet. i dont believe in chance, accidents, or coincidences. i believe in the Delusional Self, which is to say that I believe tha thte things I talk and think about change the world around me and result in events that appear to be coincidental."

marry me?

2010-05-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

the gün clüb

2010-05-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

the thing is, i think id prefer a man who i believe to be the type that would cheat.

the cool crowd (pt 2)

2010-05-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

ummm yeah

2010-05-02T22:56:00.000-07:00

yum.
i want a big ole lusty crush in my life.

tony ward in WAD mag

all of my faves

2010-05-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

summer will be great.

i was gasping for contact

the other half

the good ones were sociologists

surround me with strangers

where i am at

fucked.

b&w

the lost month

cryinginyourcar

thinkingandactingandsuckingthelifeoutofitall

fangirl

stuff

Together we were unstoppable, peas in our own drunken abusive pod, and it felt safe. I grabbed another glass of Moet.

hello mister, pleased to meet ya

moooooore

TIMETODUMBITDOWN

I WONDER WHEN MY PAST WILL STOP CATCHING UP TO ME

candy

so true.

can't give 'em up

helplessness blues

just one line

thecalculatedflail

this except somewhere else

ITSTIMETOSLOWDOWN

i need all of it to myself

strike

these times of woe afford no time to woo

if i had a boat

the longest week

i hope its good...

ck always has the best ads

those lean sweet desperate hours

once again everything has changed direction

a beautiful past

beauty

let it fall

at the moment this is all i want

what you put out there is what you'll get back. +or-

i wanna be a supermodel

musing on inadequacy

dirty beaches

teddy boys

1.16.11

trifecta

thoughts 1.6.11

meta

zoo kid

the big sleep

artsy fartsy

formal aspirations

tomford4lyfe

on self-pity

its going to be a glorious day

amnesiac

hurdling romance

thoughts 12.24

thoughts 12.23

thoughts 12.22

limit to your love

the grid, vol. 3

new york

like magick

is mercury in retrograde?

like a shotgun needs an outcome

let me be your one light

bright like neon love

hallucination, stat.

beauty

unstable

Endless, nameless

the difficult hazardous poetic way

it feels less infinite

im in the corner, watching you kiss her

marry me?

the gün clüb

the cool crowd (pt 2)

ummm yeah

all of my faves